Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
fresh changes ;
I quit smoking again.
This time has to be THE final time I quit. I want this to be forever.
I want to be the person I was before I gave up on myself.
I can't pinpoint when this was... I mean, I started smoking when I was 19.. So I've been an on again off again (but mostly on) smoker for... 7 years.. wow I didn't think it had actually been 7. My husband has been smoking for over 20 years, but even 7 is too much 1 is too much. How did I ever start this terrible habit?
It never feels as good as I anticipate it feeling.
It's never as fulfilling of a break as I had been imagining it would be.
It's never enough, its never satisfying - it always left me breathless, shaky, nervous, terrified for my health and smelling awful.
I stopped 'enjoying' it, or being fooled by it not long after I started but I was already hooked.
So, I'm going to try to reconnect with the 19 year old girl who started smoking and just go down the other path that I didn't take - the path that involved more work, more dedication, more self love and understanding and wasn't just an easy way out, a morbid pacifier that actually did not pacify, it just rendered me powerless.
......
I'm going to write about today now.
Today my parents had a wonderful dinner at their home.
My husband, daughter and I were there, my husbands parents and his brother were there.
We had a lot of fun, even during awkward family moments.
I love my family so much.
I love my parents, I love my brother. I love my in laws and my brother in law.. I love my husband very much.. and I love our daughter so much.
I couldn't be more in love with my life and everything in it.
It's perfect even when its stressful, even when its overwhelming.
and I've started LOVING my life so much more, appreciating it, realizing how good I have it - once I finally quit smoking. I have more patience. I have more energy. I worried that I wouldn't know what to do with myself during awkward moments in life, during stressful times... well I just stand and keep breathing in and out and experience everything and I do get through everything without cigarettes.
How on earth did I ever think I couldn't manage without them?
I have to keep reminding myself of this all the time.
I will not start smoking again. I will not start smoking again. I will not starting smoking again.
This time has to be THE final time I quit. I want this to be forever.
I want to be the person I was before I gave up on myself.
I can't pinpoint when this was... I mean, I started smoking when I was 19.. So I've been an on again off again (but mostly on) smoker for... 7 years.. wow I didn't think it had actually been 7. My husband has been smoking for over 20 years, but even 7 is too much 1 is too much. How did I ever start this terrible habit?
It never feels as good as I anticipate it feeling.
It's never as fulfilling of a break as I had been imagining it would be.
It's never enough, its never satisfying - it always left me breathless, shaky, nervous, terrified for my health and smelling awful.
I stopped 'enjoying' it, or being fooled by it not long after I started but I was already hooked.
So, I'm going to try to reconnect with the 19 year old girl who started smoking and just go down the other path that I didn't take - the path that involved more work, more dedication, more self love and understanding and wasn't just an easy way out, a morbid pacifier that actually did not pacify, it just rendered me powerless.
......
I'm going to write about today now.
Today my parents had a wonderful dinner at their home.
My husband, daughter and I were there, my husbands parents and his brother were there.
We had a lot of fun, even during awkward family moments.
I love my family so much.
I love my parents, I love my brother. I love my in laws and my brother in law.. I love my husband very much.. and I love our daughter so much.
I couldn't be more in love with my life and everything in it.
It's perfect even when its stressful, even when its overwhelming.
and I've started LOVING my life so much more, appreciating it, realizing how good I have it - once I finally quit smoking. I have more patience. I have more energy. I worried that I wouldn't know what to do with myself during awkward moments in life, during stressful times... well I just stand and keep breathing in and out and experience everything and I do get through everything without cigarettes.
How on earth did I ever think I couldn't manage without them?
I have to keep reminding myself of this all the time.
I will not start smoking again. I will not start smoking again. I will not starting smoking again.
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