Happy Birthday

been a while....

that zine I keep trying to make is not as easy to get right down into making as it used to be...

I remember back when I used to make them all the time.. I'd get into the zone and it felt so good to see it all come together.... my bedroom at my parents house would turn into an insane mess, pieces of scrap paper all over the floorboards, sticky spots where my glue stick fell over... I'd stay up almost the whole night and just before I'd finally go to bed, I'd flip the zine over in my hands, the glue still a bit wet but starting to dry, and to actually be pleased with what I'd done, would make sleep so much more peaceful and inviting.

I think I'd feel a lot better if I could just get back into it all.. re-connect with other zine makers and do free trades...
the feeling of actually making your own zine, pouring your whole self into it and then xeroxing it, well thats only rivaled by the feeling of getting someone elses' zine in the mail and flipping through it and reading it...

I love the way type writer accidents (say 2 letters in the same spot) look when xeroxed...
I love the way a stack of xeroxed paper feels and smells (warm and well, similar to a new book smell)

I'm getting so sick of facebook and all the bullshit on it.
I get sucked into it like everyone else but I find it really depressing actually....
and pathetic.
I feel pathetic because my only source of companionship (at this moment) is facebook!
I have 1 good true friend, and she doesn't live in my city.. we stay in touch through phone calls and visits that are too few and far between...

recently, I had a big disappointment in a group of moms who I had started to become friendly with....
I just saw them for who they really are and I didn't like what I saw.

I find it really ironic that some of the most religiously identified people I know, are actually the biggest assholes too.
They're selfish and judgemental and just ugly on the inside.

I've felt like I've behaved more virtuously to them then they have with me, and I'm an athiest.. so go figure.

......

thats not to say all religious people are dicks..
I've met a few who genuinely aren't.

well, I think this was a good getting-back-into-blogging entry..
now I hope the next one isn't in another 6 months ;)
hah.

p.s. I must try to get out with Mia, no matter the weather - and walk.
Walking, breathing 'fresh' air (well, as fresh as it can be for city air..) is ridiculously helpful for the psyche.

a little update...

- I'm trying to get back into zine making. I'm currently working on a zine entitled 'Mia likes white noise' which is all about ... I'm not 100% sure yet. It's a work in progress. It's basically about me trying to figure out what motherhood is all about and how I fit into all of that... trying to be a good mom, not go crazy, not lose my sense of self. etc.
- Mia's getting moved into a toddler bed tomorrow since she took a flying leap (not quite but it was terrifying) out of her crib tonight and that means the end of her crib sleeping days are officially over.
- something strange happened tonight.. around quarter after 11pm our doorbell rang and there was no one there. It creeped us out...

the background of this blog...

was chosen precisely for its menstrual blood like appearance..

I once knew a girl who took photographs of a huge jar of water and the slow dispersing of scarlet coloured blood from her keeper into it, after she had tipped it ....

it was pretty awesome, actually.

new shoes.

I can't stop listening to german microhouse.

seriously.

it is so good.

Kompakt records!!

100 things I want to do before I die....

I am currently working on my list.

Trish Keenan.

of Broadcast has died from complications with pneumonia...
she might have been infected with H1N1 according to some news sources.

so so sad.
I love her voice so much.
What a talent...
I'm so glad she had the guts and conviction and drive to pursue a career in music - I'm glad I got to hear her voice.
Not enough people know about this totally underrated band.

If I could have my way...

when it comes to home decor and I didn't have to compromise and that sort of thing with the husband... I would get these items off etsy and be absolutely ridiculously in love with them.....









However,

I did just purchase the following all for under 20 US with shipping - and I'm going to make my very own hamsa wall hanging for our new house!

will she be an only child?

I'm totally on the fence about having another child.


See, there's a lot I want to do in my life.

I've always wanted to get into turntablism/scratching (djing); I've always wanted to travel (I really want to go to iceland and peru and cuba and germany and japan - list goes on) ; I want to paint, write, garden ----- not get a nervous breakdown...

From the way I have experienced the past year and a half since Mia's birth, I really can't see myself doing this ALL over again....

Mia just seems too important to me and I feel like it's taking everything out of me to give her all of myself because of the kind of person I am (sometimes lost in my head, prone to needing my own personal space etc) ... I love her with everything that I have -- I just didn't even think I was ever going to be a breeder in the FIRST place, and now that I've become one - I think one is enough.

but I'm always agonizing over whether or not that is fair to her / selfish of me...

I just feel like I won't be as good of a mother if I have another child...

I'll turn into this:




.... ok I'm exaggerating..
I wouldn't completely lose it like Mink Stole in Desperate Living, but I'd be a mess I think.

till moving day ...

it occured to me recently...

after reading a ... ... a....
self help book (yeah... really!), its occurred to me that I do not see myself as my own best friend.

In the past, this would sound really hokey to me, but I'm really starting to see the true importance of seeing myself as my own best friend, of being THERE for myself, not just shutting down and giving up on myself.. I've actually always been my own worst enemy.

this part in the above mentioned self help book, really got me :

"I believe that my higher self is my pure essence and highest potential, without all the layers of fear and ego that make up my outward personality. I think of her as my best friend, who's always there for me and never lets me down. It's this essence that can see situations from all sides with absolute clarity and without judgment."

so, I'm going to be going through this book, discriminately, because not all advice is good advice - but whatever feels right to me/works for me/is positive to me - I will try to internalize and hopefully radically change my pretty terrible point of view as it stands right now.

oh and I haven't started smoking again...

zombie dream I just woke up from...

I was in some asian country - possibly Japan, maybe China...
me and this other girl, a friend I had met while on stay in the country - were holed up in this tiny apartment...
the zombies were everywhere and we could hear several gunshots constantly going off outdoors as people attempted to fight them off..
I told the girl to go lock the window and put the blind down - we had nothing to actually seal the window up with so our best bet was to cover it and be extremely quiet..
I was pushing the door with my body weight...

and we just came to the realization that there was no way out and we'd be better off killing ourselves than getting our brains eaten by the zombies which were bound to realize where we were and burst in the small apartment...

Arizona shooting...

People are such moronic cowards.
I hate guns.
I hate anyone who possesses a gun.
I don't buy any pro gun argument.

So you have a beef with the government...
what the hell is getting out your gun and shooting a bunch of people going to ultimately achieve?

I am lame. BUT I WILL CEASE TO BE LAME!

Let the REQUITTING BEGIN!